Did you ever wish your parents were dead?

Most of us have probably, at some angst-ridden point in our teenage years, told our parents that we wished they were dead; however saying we wished they were dead and actually wishing it were true are two different things altogether. In any case, my question is directed more at people who have left their teen years behind.

My mother had an explosive brain haemorrhage on December 5th 1997 – I remember it vividly. She recovered reasonably well and apart from vastly reduced stamina and a sensitivity to loud noises you’d hardly notice any change. Then in October 2003 she had a seizure – the doctors told us she had developed epilepsy as a result of the brain haemorrhage – the seizure also left her with a permanent headache which, although it varied in intensity, it never left.

In the last two years she has had more seizures and the constant headache has drained her markedly.

Just over two weeks ago she developed a kidney infection unbeknownst to her – this triggered a massive seizure during which she aspirated vomit and blood. The seizure put so much pressure on her heart that she had a heart attack and the aspirated blood and vomit caused a lung infection.

She was placed on antibiotics and these brought about a throat infection.

Last Sunday, in the hospital, as she was hoping to go home, she suffered a stroke. The stroke has left her very debilitated. She has lost the vision in her left eye, the use of her left arm, and her ability to swallow – so she needs to be fed by tube.

She is now spending most of her time in the hospital in a deep sleep/unconscious, waking only when roused and then barely able to make herself understood.

I realise that she may recover a lot of her faculties, in time, but if it is only to bring her back to the point where she was – i.e. prone to seizures and with a chronic severe headache, is that any kind of life to wish on her? Some might say that it is better than the alternative, I’m not so sure.

14 thoughts on “Did you ever wish your parents were dead?”

  1. I wish her best of luck and I wish you the strength to fight through this ordeal.

    Antibiotics should take care of the infection. Have they done a lung biopsy?
    If the creatinine level is ok then you are fine wrt. kidney.

    > but if it is only to bring her back to the point where she was – i.e. prone to seizures and with a chronic severe headache

    Could also be that she is much better than last time. What are the doctors saying?

    Let’s hope for the best.

    Take care,

  2. Could also be that she is much better than last time. What are the doctors saying?

    The best we can hope for is that she will return to the state she was in before this all happened – i.e. constant headache. My father found her downstairs several nights crying with the pain – and as an arthritis sufferer of more than 30 years she is well used to pain.

    Thanks for the good wishes guys.

  3. Hi Tom,
    I know exactly how you feel. My dad had a stroke also 2 years ago, at the time i thought he would never walk again. He was paralaysed down one side of his body speech was hard for him also.
    Then there was other complications that i wont go in to detail here, I too thought he might be better of dead, even to think it was to break my heart, but things got better , He can now walk around and make him self breakfast etc etc but he does still need help in some areas.

    He certainly hasnt the same life as he once had and I know one day like all parents he will pass on before me. But through the whole experience i know that he is still able to enjoy life and so log as he is able to talk, move, and show emotion then im glad that he is still with us.
    But yes i did once think he would be better off, but now looking back im glad that we gave him a chance to survive for him self. In the end you have to listen to what they want not what you want. Feel free to email me if you like , seems we have been both in the same situation. Peter

  4. Peter,

    I’m delighted to hear your father made such a good recovery. Unfortunately however, in my mother’s case, the best she can hope for is that she will be as good as she was before this happened. Living with a chronic debilitating severe headache, getting weaker day by day.

  5. I’ll also say a prayer for her Tom…at the very least I hope her pain is eased…in this day and age can they not manage her pain better?

  6. Thanks very much Caoimhe.

    On the pain front, my mother also has a condition called Angio Odema (or somesuch) – in any case, it means she is allergic to painkillers (all painkillers – even anesthetics). She has been seeing a pain consultant who has tried everything he can, from morphine to deadening the nerves in her head, all to no avail, unfortunately.

  7. Hi Tom,
    I don’t know how I would deal with the pain of watching somebody suffer so much, especially if it was my mum, so I won’t try and offer any advice.

    All I can offer are a few of my thoughts…

    Your mum is a lovely lady, I met her in Galway the last time she was up and she was in good form and we had a nice chat (1yr ago). It saddens me to picture her now based on your description.

    Things do seem particularly bleak at the moment, however I’ve heard her condition has improved or stabilised at least.

    I send her and the family my best wishes during this tough period. She still has alot to offer and alot to look forward to such as watching her grandchildren grow up(…and the pending new arrival(s)).


    p.s.: I wonder what she thinks of her situation now and what she wishes for?

  8. wow, that last comment is harsh.
    All I will say is…be careful what you wish for…

  9. i fucking hate my mom as she never gives 2 shits about me AND MY DAD IS MORE OF A WANKER THAN SHE IS.o hate them both as they dont take part in my life an i feel asif they have given up hope on me……. i wouldn’t wish they were dead as i would even wish my worst enimie to die…. but i really really really FUCKING HATE THEM WITH ALL MY HEART !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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